Struggles Are Opportunities

Benaiah is wrestling with a number of pretty intense fears.

For example, the other day I told Benaiah that he shouldn't play with the buttons on the clock because he could set off the alarm and it would go "Beep! Beep!"  Now I didn't just say it, but I also didn't yell it.  The boy clung to me sobbing, panic in his eyes, telling me to take the clock out of his room.  We sat by the clock and touched the buttons so he could know what they sounded like.  The entire time he was trying to escape from me and the clock.  I left the clock in his room.  For several days he talked about the clock leaving his room but agreed to keep it because the clock tells him when he can get out of bed in the morning.  

Things like this happen on a regular basis.

At first I was a little disappointed that Benaiah has so many fears.  Since the beginning of his life, I have been asking God to make him bold, passionate, and courageous, a risk taker for Him.  Now this seems like a good request.  I want Benaiah to have those characteristics so that he can best serve God.  Why shouldn't my request be answered?  

And then some of my parent pride kicks in and I can feel a little embarrassed when others see how fearful he is.  When I respond out of these feelings, I simply want him to be brave to make me look good.  Way to make it about myself!  

Did anyone ever tell you not to pray for patience?  The reason being if you pray for it you are going to be tested so that you can grow in your ability to be patient.  It is true that to grow we have to work through something.  You don't just grow by being a bump on a log.

I am reconsidering whether God is answering my prayer for Benaiah.  I am beginning to believe that God has allowed Benaiah to struggle with fear to help him grow stronger in his ability to face fear.  If my son has a lot of fears now and we work through them, it makes sense that he will be better prepared to rise above fear in the future.

This is helping me to see that the things our kids struggle with are not meant to pull them down, but to build them up.  It is our job as parents to see the struggles as opportunities and then battle those struggles openly and honestly alongside them.

Got to go, looks like an opportunity is presenting itself...   

     

Bad Attitude

When Emerson has a bad attitude we ask her to tell us four things she is thankful for.  When I first started this I said tell me three things, but she insisted on four because she is four.  As she tells us her list, she also has to say why she is thankful for each thing.

Today, I have had a bad attitude.

For the last week, Benaiah has finally accepted that he can get out of his big boy bed all by himself.  This is good because he used to stay there and cry until I came and got him.  The problem is that as soon as he wakes up, he is out of bed.  Even if it is 4:50 in the morning.  

I love getting up before the rest of the family is awake and having some quite time all to myself.  I think I am better prepared for the day because of it.  Some pilates, some time reading, time to journal... I need that time.

Today I had reached my limit.  I felt that everyone was taking and that I had nothing to give.  When that happens, it is so much easier for me to get angry and feel really negative.  

So its only fair that I require of myself what I require of my daughter and say things I am thankful for.  I unfortunately am in the double digits so I need to say a total of 36.  Maybe God knows that it takes more for my bad attitude to change.  

So here it goes.

I am thankful for....

1. A relationship with God that is not condemning but filled with love and grace (I sure needed that today).
2. My husband who helps me work through my junk (like today).
3. Sliding in the snow with Emerson.  I do not like being out in the cold but David wasn't feeling well and I didn't want the kids to miss out on the snow.  So, begrudgingly I went out.  But there is something infectious about a child's excitement and by the end I had a lot of fun.
4. Snow... being able to look at it while warm inside my home.  My favorite kind of snow is gone in a few days.  : )  
5. Some quiet time while the kids are both resting and David is at the church, like right now.
6. Friends coming over for dinner and games tonight.  Love quality time with others.
7. Teaching online through Liberty University.  I am so thankful that I am able to be home with the kids and have a flexible schedule.
8. My toes.  I like having long toes.  When I was younger one of my friend's dad told me to put my feet away because they scared him.  : )  But, I like my toes.
9. Living Word Community Church.  I can't imagine a better place for David to be working or better people to be serving with at this point in our lives.
10. My small group.  So thankful for the friendships that have come through our time with this group of people.
11. Ashleigh and Shaula being home for Christmas.  I really love that they are part of our family.
12. Flat irons!  It's just fun to make frizzy hair straight.
13. Making pizza together as a family.  We had so much fun last night and it was way healthier than picking one up from Pizza Hut, although I do love their breadsticks.  
14. Reading Magic Treehouse books with Emerson.  I think I like the stories just as much as she does.
15. A son who loves to cuddle and randomly tell me "I love you so much mommy!"  No explanation needed.
16. Facebook.  I really like that I can stalk friends and family who live far away.
17. Popcorn made on the stove with olive oil.  Yum!
18. All of the challenges that David and I have gone through and that God has used them to make our marriage stronger.  Completely undeserved.
19. Random text messages from others.  It makes me feel loved.
20. Wrestling with the kids.  Benaiah is a riot with his karate chops!
21. Going to the beach with family.  Looking at rentals in OBX as I write.
22. David cooking!  I don't enjoy it and I'm not very good at it.
23. Laughing until it hurts!  
24. Chocolate.
25. Conversations with depth.  I love hearing others' hearts and sharing my own.
26. Walking.  I really like to go for a fast walk early in the morning.  Good conversation with God and it's my favorite way to exercise. 
27. The way a two-year-old talks.  Learning the English language is a fun adventure! 
28. Sleep.
29. Church on Sunday.  Love the worship and hearing David speak.
30. Emerson and Benaiah's friendship.  They play together so well.  
31. Lotion.  My hands are a mess this time of year.
32. Photographs.  Memories preserved.
33. Hearing my children sing just about anything, especially the made up songs.
34. Real love displayed by others.  It motivates me to do the same.
35. Laying in bed talking with David until we fall asleep.
36. Being 36 and not 78.  Although I might think twice about having a bad attitude if I had to list that many things that I was thankful for. 

My Journals

I like to look back over my journals.  I have been journaling since I was about nine.  The early journals are "awesome"...  filled with all the crushes, drama, and finding myself that often fills the adolescent years.  Most of it is very comical and at times embarrassing to read.

As I get to journals from my twenties it becomes less comical and more gut wrenching.  I had a pretty serious anger problem.  I think that would have surprised a lot of people.  I did a pretty good job of keeping it to myself with everyone except David.  He got the real me and so did my journal.

There's part of me that wished others could have seen all of the anger brewing in my heart so that someone could have stepped in and offered their help.  It's a nice thought, but I probably wouldn't have listened.

It took pretty significant God sized interventions spanning over a three year period to begin uncovering my anger.  I was removed from friends and family on two different occasions.  I completely missed out on having an easy baby with either of my children.  Not only were they challenging babies, but they were something I couldn't just figure out and then fix.  I often felt like a failure.  And throughout all of this were marital problems that nearly destroyed my relationship with David.

As I read my journals during these years I was so angry and depressed, so focused on me.  The more that was stripped away, the uglier it got.  But as I look back now, I can see how this had to happen for God to begin repairing my heart.  Until I could really see the ugliness of my sin and how it was impacting myself and others I didn't have a reason to really want change.

What I love is "feeling" the difference in my journals over the last several years.  Peace and patience are more evident.  While I had to make myself available to change, it is only God that could cause the transformation that has taken place.  It is one reason I am thankful that I have kept my journals.  It is a reminder of who I was, who I am, and who I long to be.

Big Things

I was driving behind my sister-in-law last night as we were taking the kids to AWANA.  Emerson started asking me questions about getting lost or Aunt Kiley not realizing we weren't right behind her.  I started talking about how this was very unlikely to happen and what we would do if it did happen.  You know, all of the typical things we say to help our kids feel less afraid.

But then I felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit to take it a little deeper.  What if we did get lost?  Would there be a reason to panic?  If I believe that God is in control and knows what is best for me, then getting lost is okay.  In fact it might be more than okay.  

So we started talking about this and how God is always in control and will always move us where He wants us, including getting lost.  It's all about our perspective.

There are times when I don't think God is doing much in my life because I haven't accomplished something that I would consider substantial.  But after this conversation with my daughter I started to realize just how substantial these small conversations are.  It's the small things that show what we really believe, not just the big things.  In fact, the small things might just be more important because they determine how available we will be for the big things.  

I hope that I become more and more sensitive to the Holy Spirit in my everyday moments.  I think that the more that I acknowledge God leading me, the more available I will become to be used by Him.  I may not do many "big" things for God, but I hope that my daughter and son are able to see a realness in my relationship with God and that through that they would desire to pursue Him as well.  This is the best "big" thing that I can imagine. 

Our Get Away!

David and I went away for a night without the kids!  This is huge because the last time we went away together was when our daughter was not even one and a half.  She is almost five!

I can think of a lot of reasons why we haven't done this earlier and some of those reasons were legitimate... moving, beginning baby stages, moving again and not living near family.  And then some other reasons that were much less legitimate.  The kids will fall apart without me, we can't afford to do it, the kids will fall apart without me, I don't want my kids to be a burden on someone else, and the kids will fall apart without me.  Just a little egocentric!

I knew I would enjoy the time, but I didn't realize just how much we needed this until I got to spend 30 hours uninterrupted with my husband.  When we were talking we were able to finish most of our thoughts.  Our conversations didn't consist mostly of tasks that needed to be accomplished.  There was no one to clean up after, except for ourselves, and we only did that when we had to!

This time away makes me want to do an even better job of pursuing my husband on a daily basis.  We are so much better for each other and for our kids because of it.  And, apparently when we spend good quality time together we end up matching.  We might need to work on that one...

Rediscovery

I think that it is amazing that God allows us to better understand ourselves through our children.  There are a lot of things that I have learned about myself since I became a mom, the biggest was how much I needed to die to my desires if I was going to be remotely good at the job.  That is something I continue to work on daily and possibly a topic for another blog some other day.

The thing I learned today was a fun discovery and it came through my son, Benaiah.  For anyone who has met Benaiah, you know that he loves to be silly.  His greatest desire when he wakes up in the morning (besides watching Mater's Tall Tales) is to make people laugh.  And, he is good at it.  He makes the best faces and says some really funny things.  In fact, he's been pretty funny almost since birth.  The following picture is a great example.

Now I am not sure which came first, his desire to make people laugh or the fact that he just made funny faces, saw the reaction that it got and liked the attention.  However it has happened, God made Benaiah to be this way.

As I was thinking about this and working on some things, I realized that I too enjoy making people smile.  Now this might not seem like the biggest discovery, but the revelation goes a little deeper.

David and I were having a conversation the other night about being a mom and how it changes you.  I know that a lot about me shifted from the moment I held my daughter, Emerson, in my arms.  Many of the immediate changes were not so good.  I became somewhat neurotic.  I felt inadequate and became more controlling because of it.  While I most certainly displayed some of these characteristics before motherhood, having a child greatly accentuated them.

It took me several years to even acknowledge how much of my self had been lost.  As I said above, as a parent we must die to many of our desires, but I think as moms we go through a process of being lost and then gradually rediscovering who we are in light of also being a mom.   Maybe that isn't true of most moms, but it is definitely true of me.

I am coming to realize what a beautiful process God has allowed this to be...dying to my selfishness while reviving who my Creator made me to be.

So, as I am rediscovering myself I am embracing my desire to make others smile.  I promise not to try to do this through awkward faces and inappropriate noises.  There's only so much I should learn from my son.

A Start

I am not a blogger.

I have not ever had the desire to blog.  I love to journal, but you can't really blog the way that you journal, well at least not the way that I journal.  I think that would be too transparent; I have too much junk.

So, why start a blog?

This is a very good question and one I have been asking God a lot over the several days.  Really?  A blog? I am not a writer.  Sure, I wrote lots of papers in college.  Yes, I grade a plethora of papers as a professor, even claiming to help them become better writers.  But, I am not a writer.  (If you are a writer  you probably have already found some good errors in the few sentences that I have written.  Thankfully I have spell check, so the spelling should pass the test for the most part.)

Still the idea of starting a blog continues to linger.

So I have been trying to think of something witty that I should write about or something profound.  What can I help people with?  Where can I be an encouragement?  What is something special or different about me?  I am a pretty ordinary person, I think.  I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend, a teacher and I am in love with my Creator.  

I do value living a real and transparent life in front of others. Maybe this is something that I can offer.  Maybe this should just be like my journal.  If I am too transparent, you can just stop reading, right?  : )

I am not a blogger.  But, maybe I will become one...