Road Rage

Today I was almost run off the road.  No drama present as I write that.

I was driving on a two lane road to pick up Emerson from preschool and, at a light, pulled into the right lane.  The right lane then merges with the left just after you get through the light.  I was driving a normal speed waiting to see where I could fit in.  There was a clear gap between the two vehicles I was driving beside and so I sped up a little to fit in and was merging in when the truck behind me seemed to be closing the gap.  I sped up a little to continue merging and it then became evident that the truck behind me was not going to let me in.  As the two lanes turned to one I was sure that this truck would back off since they were still behind me.  But this truck had a point to prove and I had to swerve off to the side of the rode so that he didn't plow into me.

I was angry!  Why would someone do that?  What makes that person think that it is okay to treat another person like that?  And is it worth it to prove yourself and end up causing an accident?  Having my son in the backseat only fueled my fire.   I wasn't trying to get ahead of anyone or show off the amazing power of my family car.  I was just driving.  

I thought about all the things I would like to say to this man, if I should even call him that.  I also thought about how wonderful it would feel to call the police and have him arrested (like that would really happen, but the thought made me feel good).  I even wrote down his license plate number when I ended up behind him at another red light.

But where did all of this leave me?  Am I a better person because I didn't run him off the road?  How different am I as I plot out my revenge on this other driver?  Not much different at all really.

He wanted to prove himself for whatever reason and now I want to prove myself.  That just turns into a vicious cycle.

So how do I release myself from this cycle?  I could just forget about it and each time I think about it I will be a little less mad than the last time.  But am I really ending the cycle?  When this happens again (we all know that road rage isn't going away) will I once again find myself plotting my revenge?

And what about things that are bigger than being a recipient of some unknown person's road rage?  How do you stop that cycle of anger?

How do you truly forgive?

I felt God ask me to pray for this man.  I was a little resistant at first, but then I did it.  I didn't feel like praying for him, but I acted on what I felt God was calling me to do.

Maybe that is part of what forgiveness looks like.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if when you messed up someone didn't just come at you trying to prove how you had messed up?  But what if they prayed for you and your heart and whatever you were going through that might have led to you messing up?

That sounds like a pretty good world to me.

Kids

I love the things that kids say and do.  Here are some of my recent favorite moments with the kids...



David is allergic to poultry and seafood.  Emerson was asking whether or not each person in our family has any other allergies.  She then said, "Daddy I am very thankful that I am not allergic to my favorite food."  David asked her what that was.  "Cake!"

When Benaiah really likes how something tastes he says, "This is nummy forever!"



What's a red light mean, Benaiah?  "Stop!"  How about green?  "Go!"  And yellow...  "Drive faster!"  Seriously, who teaches them that?  Hmm, the power of observation?



Playing dress up in the store...

Emerson and I were talking about David's birthday.  She wanted to know things that he liked to help figure out a birthday present.  I said that Daddy likes them (Emerson and Benaiah).  To which Emerson said, "We can't get more kids, mommy." 

David wasn't feeling good the other night so I asked the kids if we should pray for him.  We started to hold hands and Benaiah said no.  I asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted to hold Daddy.  So we all hugged David while we prayed for him.  Very sweet moment.

So we all know how gigantic and enormous became ginormous.  Well my son has decided that things are "binormous!" Big + enormous.

Found my children licking the window for undisclosed reasons...

There is no way around it, I just have to love them!

Being Chosen

David has dreamed about planting a church.  Not that he is unhappy with where he is now, he just has a strong desire to plant a church someday.  He's been thinking about it for over nine years.

I have not dreamed about planting a church.  I think that it is scary.  It's unpredictable.  It's hard work.  It's lonely.  While I have listened to my husband's heart, I have always been guarded about our conversations.  It was hard for me to really dream with him because I just wasn't there.

The day after my emotional breakdown (Sharing My Heart) David and I were sitting on the couch, enjoying a quiet moment after the kids were in bed.  He said he had something important to tell me.  

In the midst of all of my emotional neediness, David was hit with the realization that I was not made to be a church planting wife.  At first he felt some frustration but then God did something amazing.  David started thinking about my heart.  The more he thought about it, the more he realized that if he never planted a church it wouldn't be the end of the world, but if planting a church would cost me too much and ultimately us too much, that would be a great loss.  

He told me that he was willingly giving up his dream of planting a church.  Not begrudgingly, not out of frustration, but willingly.  He was even feeling excited about what this meant for our future here.

I was shocked to say the least, that's nine years of dreaming being set aside.  I wrestled some with feeling guilty for not having the same dream and being the reason that his dream was being set aside.

David then told me that he wanted to choose me over planting a church.  Not that he should choose me over planting a church, but he wanted to choose me.

I can't even begin to tell you what this meant to me.  I was overwhelmed by how loved I felt.

What might have happened if I had been able to rid myself of my "neediness" the other day?  Would David have had the revelation that he wanted to fight for me over fighting with me to plant a church?  Probably not.  God's timing is good.  Who would have thought that out of those feelings of loneliness I would end up feeling more loved than I have at maybe any other point in my life. 

Time to stop looking at rental properties and buy a house in this community that we are going to really call home!

Escaping Struggles

The other day I was wrestling with negative emotions and wanting to escape them (Sharing My Heart).  I wanted to do whatever I could to feel normal or better yet, happy.  I tried doing a lot of the things that typically work for me, but was left feeling stuck.

As I finished my last blog and then began a conversation with a friend, God brought the verse below to my mind.

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.  You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors.  So don't try to get out of anything prematurely.  Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.  James 1:2-4  The Message

I had never thought that my attempts to alleviate my feelings could be trying to get out of something prematurely.  I simply believed that my feelings were wrong and I needed to fix them.  The thoughts that I was wrestling with were making me feel bad and I should try to avoid that at all cost, right?

I think, in general, it's good to not dwell on things that affect our attitude and to try to change our focus.  I have been trying to memorize God's words to help fill my mind with positive and encouraging thoughts.  

But even that didn't change how I was feeling.

I believe very much now, after all that has happened on that day and the days that followed that God had a strong purpose in not alleviating my bad feelings.  I needed to stop trying to do something to escape the feelings, I just needed to let them be and let this situation "do its work" in me and as you will see in my upcoming post, in others.

While the thoughts and feelings were still there, I had a lot of peace after this.  I didn't feel bad that I couldn't change my feelings.  

And what happened next was something that I would have never predicted, not even thought to ask for.   That's just like God to work that way, isn't it?

I don't want to share what happened next quite yet, because I think it's important to take time to think about how this might fit in your life.  Are there struggles you are trying to escape that just won't go away?  It might be time to stop trying to get out of the situation prematurely.  You have no idea what God may want to do through it.  

Sharing My Heart

I am wrestling with feeling lonely and needy.

David has been busier this week and hasn't been feeling the best.  He's the one who really listens to my heart.  While I see other people throughout my week, there is rarely opportunity to really share my heart, and you can't just do that with the cashier at the grocery store.  Sure she might listen, but does she really want to hear it?  I need adult conversation with depth with someone who cares.

But I think how I am feeling goes deeper than just missing out on conversation; I am being pretty self-consumed.  Ouch!  That's not fun to write.

I am trying to do lots of things to change my perspective.  I have had time alone, well, time by myself while the kids are in rest time.  I have journaled.  Took a short nap.  Read some of my favorite verses from the bible.  I have said my list of things I am thankful for (Bad Attitude).  In the moment things seem okay, but it just takes one little thing going wrong to reveal that my yucky attitude is still here.

For example, I burned the sandwich I was making.  I took the spatula and swatted the counter several times.  The kids started laughing about giving me a spanking because I spanked the counter.  Thankfully, I was able to not lash out at them for simply being kids, the counter took the brunt of my frustration.

I want to do something to get rid of how crappy I feel.  I don't want to feel like this.  I want to be able to just be in a good mood even when I am not feeling that way.  I want to be excited to be with my kids and not focused on the things that they are doing wrong.  I want to encourage David as he is pouring into others and doing his job.  And, I want to joyfully take care of him when he is sick.

Not much of what I want is happening right now.

I know that God is supposed to be the One who fills us up.  I'm just not feeling that at the moment.  I want someone physically present to talk with.  Someone to audibly hear with my ears, not just my mind.  Someone I can touch.  Someone I can see responding with interested facial expressions (because you know I would definitely be talking about something very intriguing).  I don't just want to sense God's presence.  I want more!

How demanding does that sound?

I know that God can show me something through all of this.  Maybe I will come through it understanding a little more of what it means to allow God to meet my needs and not depending on others, especially my husband, to do this.  I would love that.  I am just not enjoying the process I am going through at the moment.

You might even have your own ideas on what God needs to show me after all this complaining.  Go easy on me though, you don't want to end up like the counter.

Struggles Are Opportunities

Benaiah is wrestling with a number of pretty intense fears.

For example, the other day I told Benaiah that he shouldn't play with the buttons on the clock because he could set off the alarm and it would go "Beep! Beep!"  Now I didn't just say it, but I also didn't yell it.  The boy clung to me sobbing, panic in his eyes, telling me to take the clock out of his room.  We sat by the clock and touched the buttons so he could know what they sounded like.  The entire time he was trying to escape from me and the clock.  I left the clock in his room.  For several days he talked about the clock leaving his room but agreed to keep it because the clock tells him when he can get out of bed in the morning.  

Things like this happen on a regular basis.

At first I was a little disappointed that Benaiah has so many fears.  Since the beginning of his life, I have been asking God to make him bold, passionate, and courageous, a risk taker for Him.  Now this seems like a good request.  I want Benaiah to have those characteristics so that he can best serve God.  Why shouldn't my request be answered?  

And then some of my parent pride kicks in and I can feel a little embarrassed when others see how fearful he is.  When I respond out of these feelings, I simply want him to be brave to make me look good.  Way to make it about myself!  

Did anyone ever tell you not to pray for patience?  The reason being if you pray for it you are going to be tested so that you can grow in your ability to be patient.  It is true that to grow we have to work through something.  You don't just grow by being a bump on a log.

I am reconsidering whether God is answering my prayer for Benaiah.  I am beginning to believe that God has allowed Benaiah to struggle with fear to help him grow stronger in his ability to face fear.  If my son has a lot of fears now and we work through them, it makes sense that he will be better prepared to rise above fear in the future.

This is helping me to see that the things our kids struggle with are not meant to pull them down, but to build them up.  It is our job as parents to see the struggles as opportunities and then battle those struggles openly and honestly alongside them.

Got to go, looks like an opportunity is presenting itself...   

     

Bad Attitude

When Emerson has a bad attitude we ask her to tell us four things she is thankful for.  When I first started this I said tell me three things, but she insisted on four because she is four.  As she tells us her list, she also has to say why she is thankful for each thing.

Today, I have had a bad attitude.

For the last week, Benaiah has finally accepted that he can get out of his big boy bed all by himself.  This is good because he used to stay there and cry until I came and got him.  The problem is that as soon as he wakes up, he is out of bed.  Even if it is 4:50 in the morning.  

I love getting up before the rest of the family is awake and having some quite time all to myself.  I think I am better prepared for the day because of it.  Some pilates, some time reading, time to journal... I need that time.

Today I had reached my limit.  I felt that everyone was taking and that I had nothing to give.  When that happens, it is so much easier for me to get angry and feel really negative.  

So its only fair that I require of myself what I require of my daughter and say things I am thankful for.  I unfortunately am in the double digits so I need to say a total of 36.  Maybe God knows that it takes more for my bad attitude to change.  

So here it goes.

I am thankful for....

1. A relationship with God that is not condemning but filled with love and grace (I sure needed that today).
2. My husband who helps me work through my junk (like today).
3. Sliding in the snow with Emerson.  I do not like being out in the cold but David wasn't feeling well and I didn't want the kids to miss out on the snow.  So, begrudgingly I went out.  But there is something infectious about a child's excitement and by the end I had a lot of fun.
4. Snow... being able to look at it while warm inside my home.  My favorite kind of snow is gone in a few days.  : )  
5. Some quiet time while the kids are both resting and David is at the church, like right now.
6. Friends coming over for dinner and games tonight.  Love quality time with others.
7. Teaching online through Liberty University.  I am so thankful that I am able to be home with the kids and have a flexible schedule.
8. My toes.  I like having long toes.  When I was younger one of my friend's dad told me to put my feet away because they scared him.  : )  But, I like my toes.
9. Living Word Community Church.  I can't imagine a better place for David to be working or better people to be serving with at this point in our lives.
10. My small group.  So thankful for the friendships that have come through our time with this group of people.
11. Ashleigh and Shaula being home for Christmas.  I really love that they are part of our family.
12. Flat irons!  It's just fun to make frizzy hair straight.
13. Making pizza together as a family.  We had so much fun last night and it was way healthier than picking one up from Pizza Hut, although I do love their breadsticks.  
14. Reading Magic Treehouse books with Emerson.  I think I like the stories just as much as she does.
15. A son who loves to cuddle and randomly tell me "I love you so much mommy!"  No explanation needed.
16. Facebook.  I really like that I can stalk friends and family who live far away.
17. Popcorn made on the stove with olive oil.  Yum!
18. All of the challenges that David and I have gone through and that God has used them to make our marriage stronger.  Completely undeserved.
19. Random text messages from others.  It makes me feel loved.
20. Wrestling with the kids.  Benaiah is a riot with his karate chops!
21. Going to the beach with family.  Looking at rentals in OBX as I write.
22. David cooking!  I don't enjoy it and I'm not very good at it.
23. Laughing until it hurts!  
24. Chocolate.
25. Conversations with depth.  I love hearing others' hearts and sharing my own.
26. Walking.  I really like to go for a fast walk early in the morning.  Good conversation with God and it's my favorite way to exercise. 
27. The way a two-year-old talks.  Learning the English language is a fun adventure! 
28. Sleep.
29. Church on Sunday.  Love the worship and hearing David speak.
30. Emerson and Benaiah's friendship.  They play together so well.  
31. Lotion.  My hands are a mess this time of year.
32. Photographs.  Memories preserved.
33. Hearing my children sing just about anything, especially the made up songs.
34. Real love displayed by others.  It motivates me to do the same.
35. Laying in bed talking with David until we fall asleep.
36. Being 36 and not 78.  Although I might think twice about having a bad attitude if I had to list that many things that I was thankful for.