Change

We have been experiencing a lot of change in the last month or so...

Emerson started kindergarten last week and loves it!

She has been so excited for school to start and to ride the bus.  She comes home every day excited about all she has done.  I know it wont be that way everyday, but I am so thankful that she sees school as an exciting adventure.

Benaiah started preschool and he loves it!

This is a shocker because all summer he kept saying "I am not going to preschool, Mommy!"  When we dropped him off at VBS at the preschool this summer he screamed every time I left him.  I was dreading preschool.  And then something happened... Orientation!  He loved it!  The first day of preschool he walked right in and barely said goodbye.  We were so proud of him!

Change number three... We have a new puppy!

Her name is Stella.  She is a super sweet dog with a wonderful personality.  She is officially potty trained!!!  Well, except for when she gets really excited or nervous.  Unfortunately she has taken up the art of digging in the backyard.  And she loves to do it right before we have to go somewhere!  I have to carry her up to the bathtub and rinse/wash her off frequently.  This is not going to be happening for much longer.  She is growing so fast and soon I wont be able to pick her up.  Hopefully digging wont last long.

And, last, but most definitely not least, we are in our new house!  We are mostly settled and feeling so blessed to call this our home.  Now comes the more challenging part, making it our home.  I am not the creative, exceptionally gifted designer by any means, so this part will take me time.  But I am feeling okay about that.  

Through all of this, God has really been stretching my need for consistency and routine.  All the changes have made things a little crazy to say the least.  At first I tried desperately to get back into our "normal" rhythm.  I was so frustrated as I tried to make our new life look and feel like it was before all the changes.  I kept thinking about how good our routine used to be and how we needed to recreate that same rhythm.

Don't we do this with so many things?  We experience something good and we want it to always be that way, to look that way and feel that way.  And the whole time we are frantically trying to make it look like it used to, we are missing out on the life going on around us.

Enjoy the life going on around you today and let go of the expectations of what it should look like.  What you see might just surprise you.  Speaking of surprises, Stella just ate almost an entire box of crayons so life is going to look very colorful in the backyard pretty soon!

Our Home... Finally!

I am so excited that the search for a home has finally come to an end.  I don't know if I went into the process a little naive, but I had no idea that buying a house could be so emotional.

We bought a house once before when we lived in Lynchburg, Virginia.  The whole thing started out as a joke when we saw the house next to one of our closest friends, the Aronsons, go up for sale.  Who wouldn't think it would be a dream to have amazing friends for your neighbor?  We spent so much time with each other that we said we should have just built an underground tunnel from one house to the other.  Those were some good times.

Anyway, when buying that house we dealt directly with the buyers who we kind of knew and after a little bit of negotiating the house was ours.  They even let us move in early and didn't charge us rent.  

Okay, so that's not the typical home buyer's story and I knew it wasn't going to be that easy, but really, four signed contracts in three months?  And the hurt and emotional stress was unbelievable.  

But then came the house, the one that felt right the moment we walked in the door. The house that David and I both agreed felt like a home, not just a house.  All the other houses had really good qualities about them (amazing kitchen, lots of house for a lot less money than it was worth, unfinished basement with tons of potential, etc.), but none of those other houses had the instant feel of home that this house did.  

The house is an older house and has so much character.  Plantation window shutters, stained glass window in the foyer, french doors in the dinning room, saloon doors between the kitchen and dinning room, an attic with a walk-in cedar closet (I can just imagine the kids having so much fun making this a secret club house).  And all of the house is immaculate and spacious.  It cries out to be filled by frequent guests, which we eagerly agree to.  

I love the family room that was added on...

And one of my favorite parts is the backyard and the beautiful tree who lives there...

We loved the tree that was in front of our current house, but storms did the tree in and it had to come down.  Seriously the kids and I were devastated.  Benaiah kept saying "Put the tree back mommy!"  So after being blown away by the inside of the house, when I saw this tree in the backyard it was a done deal.  Later that day Emerson said, "Mommy, if we don't get this house I am going to be so sad because I love that tree."  

The thing that I love the most about this story is that God's timing truly is perfect. We wanted to find a house as quickly as we could so that we could move out of the resident house and the middle school director and his wife could move in.  We started the search back in February.  If we hadn't gone through the process that we did with the other houses or hadn't been waiting on our most current short sale, we never would have found this house (which had been on the market two days when we put in our offer).  

You would think that I would know this by now.  Things don't always make sense. Sometimes you seem to be going in the wrong direction or what seems like the best thing doesn't happen.  But in the end, there are times when you can see the purpose behind it and in some way you have grown.  I thought I wanted a new house with a much more modern look, but God knew what my heart needed.  My plans are never as good as His.  This has been my life story and now it is my house story.

Looking forward to making this house our home and having lots of visitors!!

The Beauty Found in the Ugly

I was ugliness this past Sunday.  Not in my outward appearance, but in my heart.

Honestly, this came out of nowhere.  The morning had been so good, very relaxed. The kids were doing a great job playing together and I was doing a few tasks around the house.  Everyone was mostly ready to go to church and I let the kids play downstairs.

About 15 minutes before it was time for us to leave I called downstairs for the kids to start cleaning up.  When I came downstairs a few minutes later, I was amazed at the chaos that was created in such a short amount of time.  Should I really be amazed by this?  I have been a mom for several years, I should come to expect it. And, we do have a ball pit downstairs that begs to be destroyed.  Too bad I wasn't thinking clearly or I would have taken a picture.

I started talking loudly urging the kids to get the balls back in the ball pit.  There was little response and I could feel that I was ready to burst.  I should have left, but I didn't.  I let it all out.  I am thankful that no one was there to capture a picture of that.

Benaiah started sobbing.  His little heart is easily hurt by a harsh tone.  I yelled at him to stop crying.  He covered his mouth.  I left, telling them that they needed to keep working while I finished getting ready for church.

Great mom, right?  Probably want to sign me up for parenting classes right now, but it gets worse.

As I was getting dressed I hear Benaiah cry out, "Mommy, I went pee pee in my pants!"

Seriously!?!

Once again, I went downstairs and lost it.  I ended by blaming them for ruining such a nice morning.  I knew I needed to stop and thankfully I eventually shut my mouth, got Benaiah new pants and silently helped the kids clean up the basement.

As I write this it makes me cringe from the ugliness of it all.  I keep changing things, trying to make it not sound as bad, but that just feels wrong because that isn't the truth, it was bad.  And I need to be real about the ugliness for the beauty to really be seen.

It didn't take long before I felt so much shame for my outburst.  The look on my son's face and the impact that my poor choice of words left on my children raced around in my mind.

As we walked to church and I carried my son and held my daughter's little hand, we started talking about things that made God happy.

"Do you think God was happy with how mommy treated you guys downstairs?"

Both of the kids shook their heads.

"That's right.  God was not happy with how mommy yelled at you.  I was wrong."  And then I looked them each in the eyes and asked them to forgive me for yelling at them.

"I forgive you mommy," Emerson said with a smile.

If my children don't already know it, they will eventually know that I am a mess. But it needs to go beyond that.  They need to see that I am willing to admit that I am a mess.  That I needed to be forgiven for how I responded that morning and that I will definitely need to be forgiven again in the future.  And, I hope my transparency helps my children to feel free to not cover up how they will mess up, especially as the mess ups get bigger as they get bigger.  I want us to really know, love, and accept each other as we grow together.  There is so much freedom in being known and loved for who you really are, messiness included.

Beauty can be found in the ugly.

Mr. Bob

Benaiah and I are shopping buddies on Wednesday.  While Emerson is in preschool we try to hit up three grocery stores before returning to pick Emerson up. Finding the best deal is always a fun thing for me and spending quality time with my son makes it even better.

My son loves to talk and make funny faces at people while we shop.   He is loved by many a fellow grocery shopper.  He has made a number of friends as we are out and about, but our favorite has come to be Mr. Bob.  Mr. Bob goes to Aldi every Wednesday morning at the same time we are there, so we have been able to connect regularly.  We were surprised two weeks ago when we didn't see him.

This past Wednesday as we were finding our deals we heard, "Is that my little guy?"  We looked up to see Mr. Bob.  

I said, "Who is that?" to Benaiah and he whispered, "Mr. Bob!"  You should have seen the look on Mr. Bob's face.  

"You remembered my name!" Mr. Bob said and we started talking about how he missed us last week because he had to see the doctor.  

I said that Benaiah and I would be praying for him.  Again another big smile and we continued to talk for quite some time.  I was so encouraged by the conversation that I didn't mind having to rush through our other stores to make it back to Emerson on time.

I really want my life to look like this on a regular basis.  For my children to grow up being eager to care for others even if it something as simple as remembering someone's name and praying for them.  I can definitely give up finding the best bargains for that.

Watch Out, God Will Untie Your Shoes

Life has been crazy!  Life is always full, but the last couple of weeks have been a blur.  Birthday parties, grading, family visits, finding the perfect new home, grading....  

We are in the thick of a house hunt and in three weeks have had three contracts on houses.  How is that possible you ask?  I am asking the same thing!  The first house we fell in love with was an older home that had been beautifully restored.  However a home inspection revealed 31 pages of problems, several of them very significant.  Our second house was a short sale and after signing paperwork back and forth with the seller we thought we had found our house.  No such luck and another offer (lower than ours) was accepted.  The house hunt world is a crazy, mind boggling world that makes little sense to me.  I just sign whatever David puts in front of me.  

Now we are on our third house, which is another short sale.  You can't beat a short sale if it works out, more house, less money.  The seller has signed all paperwork and we are now waiting to see if the bank accepts.  

I thought I had been handling all of the stress well until I made an eBay purchase the other day.  You may not like me after this, but I will share anyway.  I am one of those people who likes to wait until the very last second to place a bid in an attempt to get the item for a low price.  However, for those who have been waiting days bidding to win the item of their dreams, I am to them, a thief who cheated them out of what should have rightfully been theirs.  Okay, that is somewhat dramatic, and I am still playing by the rules, but I am sure I have made some other "eBayers" (is that a word) less than happy.

Anyway, after I placed my bid and sat looking at the screen that said I had won, I realized that I was shaking.  Seriously, I was shaking.  I had gotten so worked up waiting for those minutes and seconds to slowly tic down that my body was in some kind of shock.  That is a sad story.

I knew that it wasn't just making an eBay purchase that had lead to the shaking, but that I was just plain stressed out.  After that I tried to slow down some, only to find myself back in the crazy blur of busyness this week.  

I love to walk in the mornings.  Not a meandering kind of walk and nowhere near a run, but a good fast paced walk to get my blood really flowing.  It's still kind of cold outside so I have my hat and mittens on along with my small hand weights to help me have arms like my sister-in-law.

Wouldn't you know that my shoe comes untied.  It takes a lot of effort to tie your shoe when you have mittens and hand weights, but I got it done, only to have my other shoe come untied a little while later!  Seriously, am I that bad at tying shoes?  Good thing my kids will always wear velcro.  

And that is when I sensed God saying, "If you don't slow down, I will find ways to make you slow down." I couldn't help but smile thinking about God untying my shoes while I was walking.  At least He didn't tie them together.

All day this has been running through my mind.  When I am stuck behind someone driving slow or a long line at the grocery store or waiting for a child to finish going to the bathroom, God provides opportunities to slow us down.  Not to tick us off, but to help us stop and really see the life going on around us.  And to keep us healthy.  I don't know how many more eBay purchases my body can withstand without having a heart attack if I keep up this pace.  

So, slow down.  

Stop.  

Breath.  

You just might avoid having your shoes untied.  

Doing Life Together

I like making lists and completing tasks.  I feel a sense of accomplishment when I cross something off of my list.  Matter of fact, sometimes if I do something and it wasn't on my list I might add it so that I can cross it off.  Okay, I don't do that too often.

Life can seem like a bunch of tasks that need to get done so that I can move on to the next task.  This can even include my kids.  First there are the everyday tasks.  Get the kids fed at specific times, drop them off where they need to go, start rest time no later than 1:30, give them a bath, read them stories, get them to bed by 8...  And then there are the bigger tasks.  Get Benaiah to use the potty the entire day without any accidents, help Emerson to work on her attitude, figure out how to stop Benaiah from sucking on his fingers, find a way to help Emerson overcome her fear of spiders so that she can go downstairs by herself...

Sometimes my kids ask to help with my tasks.  My first reaction is that I don't want to spend more time redoing what they "help" me with.  And then I think about how I should be training them to be independent and therefore, I should let them help me so that they can start learning how to do more things on their own. 

Take doing the dishes for instance.

We live in the resident house that is owned by the church.  I really like this house, but there is no dishwasher.  Funny little insert here, right before we moved into the resident house we were staying with friends who put everything in the dishwasher.  I vowed that when we got to our new place I would be putting everything in the dishwasher.  God has a sense of humor.

So all dishes are washed by hand.  I have found that I don't really mind doing this, especially since David does most of the cooking.  The kids like to help me rinse the dishes... aka play in the water.  I try to let them to help me as often as possible.  

The other day Benaiah, who was now shirtless because he was completely soaked, dumped a cup of water outside of the sink.  I began to correct him for what had to have been the eleventy billionth time.  He looked up at me and smiled.  I then thought about how this was much bigger than getting the task completed or helping Benaiah learn how to correctly rinse dishes so he would make a good husband.  We were spending time together.

I want very much to really focus on what is important in each moment.  Yes, tasks are important and they must be done, but do they always have to be done quickly or perfectly?  My children will never think back fondly about the times they correctly rinsed the dishes, but they might remember how mommy laughed instead of corrected them when they scooped “soap ice-cream” out of the sink and onto the front of mommy's shirt.  

This time is going by too quickly for me to care more about my tasks than doing life together with my kids.  How about you?  Are there places where you are missing out on really doing life with others?  Don't just think about how you would like that to change, do something about it today.

Alas, I am a Sheep

I was upset at David the other day.  Honestly, right now I can't even remember what it was about.  Tells you how important it was.

My son woke up at 4 am the next day.  Yes, that said 4.  He had a booger in his nose. Thankfully he went back to sleep.  I on the other hand couldn't.  My mind was up and running.  Part of it thinking about all of the papers I had to grade and planning Emerson's birthday party.  Another part thinking about feeling frustrated with David.  

All of a sudden I started thinking about the 23rd Psalm.  Had to look that up.  I know that the Jesus's prayer in the New Testament has the identifier "The Lord's Prayer" and I thought this prayer had one too. Guess it's just the 23rd Psalm; what a scholar I am!  This rambling actually does have connection to my next thought.  I only remember bits and pieces of the 23rd Psalm.  So in my mind it went....

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want... his rod and his staff they comfort me.   Missing a little bit there, right?  : )

I couldn't stop thinking about the rod and staff and that they comfort.  Upon initial thought, these things seemed more like weapons or something for the shepherd to lean on in the pictures we see of shepherds and not something of comfort.  But that's what it says.  They provide comfort.  They aren't defined as anything else.  

Sheep aren't known for being intelligent creatures.  I googled sheep and also found out that they have an excellent sense of hearing and need help when they role on their back because they can't get up.  More of something I want to laugh at and not something I want to be compared to.  

But when I look at the meaning behind it all, I am a little less offended.  I am definitely limited in my understanding when I am compared to God and I often need a lot of help because I get myself into a position where I can't get "up" by myself.  Alas, I am a sheep.

But sheep have an excellent sense of hearing.  This is important.  I think that God wants us to know that we can hear him.  The problem comes in on our part.  Hearing and listening are two different things.  

So God wants me to focus on (listen to him about) his rod and his staff and how they comfort.  The one thing that I do know about a staff is that a shepherd can use it to gently prod the sheep to go where they need to go and move them from danger.  As I thought more about this I felt like God wanted to move me away from dwelling on my frustration with David.  It really can cause danger to my relationship with David and honestly does me no good to keep moving in that direction.  

There are often times in my life where I sense God gently "prodding" me to go in a different direction.  Some of those moments are even documented here on my blog (e.g. Road Rage).  I want to be better at responding, at listening to him, because the moments when I do are the moments when I have more peace, I respond better to others and I am a better overall person to be around.  

Now, I really want to see a sheep fall over and try to get up...