Kids

I love the things that kids say and do.  Here are some of my recent favorite moments with the kids...



David is allergic to poultry and seafood.  Emerson was asking whether or not each person in our family has any other allergies.  She then said, "Daddy I am very thankful that I am not allergic to my favorite food."  David asked her what that was.  "Cake!"

When Benaiah really likes how something tastes he says, "This is nummy forever!"



What's a red light mean, Benaiah?  "Stop!"  How about green?  "Go!"  And yellow...  "Drive faster!"  Seriously, who teaches them that?  Hmm, the power of observation?



Playing dress up in the store...

Emerson and I were talking about David's birthday.  She wanted to know things that he liked to help figure out a birthday present.  I said that Daddy likes them (Emerson and Benaiah).  To which Emerson said, "We can't get more kids, mommy." 

David wasn't feeling good the other night so I asked the kids if we should pray for him.  We started to hold hands and Benaiah said no.  I asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted to hold Daddy.  So we all hugged David while we prayed for him.  Very sweet moment.

So we all know how gigantic and enormous became ginormous.  Well my son has decided that things are "binormous!" Big + enormous.

Found my children licking the window for undisclosed reasons...

There is no way around it, I just have to love them!

Being Chosen

David has dreamed about planting a church.  Not that he is unhappy with where he is now, he just has a strong desire to plant a church someday.  He's been thinking about it for over nine years.

I have not dreamed about planting a church.  I think that it is scary.  It's unpredictable.  It's hard work.  It's lonely.  While I have listened to my husband's heart, I have always been guarded about our conversations.  It was hard for me to really dream with him because I just wasn't there.

The day after my emotional breakdown (Sharing My Heart) David and I were sitting on the couch, enjoying a quiet moment after the kids were in bed.  He said he had something important to tell me.  

In the midst of all of my emotional neediness, David was hit with the realization that I was not made to be a church planting wife.  At first he felt some frustration but then God did something amazing.  David started thinking about my heart.  The more he thought about it, the more he realized that if he never planted a church it wouldn't be the end of the world, but if planting a church would cost me too much and ultimately us too much, that would be a great loss.  

He told me that he was willingly giving up his dream of planting a church.  Not begrudgingly, not out of frustration, but willingly.  He was even feeling excited about what this meant for our future here.

I was shocked to say the least, that's nine years of dreaming being set aside.  I wrestled some with feeling guilty for not having the same dream and being the reason that his dream was being set aside.

David then told me that he wanted to choose me over planting a church.  Not that he should choose me over planting a church, but he wanted to choose me.

I can't even begin to tell you what this meant to me.  I was overwhelmed by how loved I felt.

What might have happened if I had been able to rid myself of my "neediness" the other day?  Would David have had the revelation that he wanted to fight for me over fighting with me to plant a church?  Probably not.  God's timing is good.  Who would have thought that out of those feelings of loneliness I would end up feeling more loved than I have at maybe any other point in my life. 

Time to stop looking at rental properties and buy a house in this community that we are going to really call home!

Escaping Struggles

The other day I was wrestling with negative emotions and wanting to escape them (Sharing My Heart).  I wanted to do whatever I could to feel normal or better yet, happy.  I tried doing a lot of the things that typically work for me, but was left feeling stuck.

As I finished my last blog and then began a conversation with a friend, God brought the verse below to my mind.

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.  You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors.  So don't try to get out of anything prematurely.  Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.  James 1:2-4  The Message

I had never thought that my attempts to alleviate my feelings could be trying to get out of something prematurely.  I simply believed that my feelings were wrong and I needed to fix them.  The thoughts that I was wrestling with were making me feel bad and I should try to avoid that at all cost, right?

I think, in general, it's good to not dwell on things that affect our attitude and to try to change our focus.  I have been trying to memorize God's words to help fill my mind with positive and encouraging thoughts.  

But even that didn't change how I was feeling.

I believe very much now, after all that has happened on that day and the days that followed that God had a strong purpose in not alleviating my bad feelings.  I needed to stop trying to do something to escape the feelings, I just needed to let them be and let this situation "do its work" in me and as you will see in my upcoming post, in others.

While the thoughts and feelings were still there, I had a lot of peace after this.  I didn't feel bad that I couldn't change my feelings.  

And what happened next was something that I would have never predicted, not even thought to ask for.   That's just like God to work that way, isn't it?

I don't want to share what happened next quite yet, because I think it's important to take time to think about how this might fit in your life.  Are there struggles you are trying to escape that just won't go away?  It might be time to stop trying to get out of the situation prematurely.  You have no idea what God may want to do through it.  

Sharing My Heart

I am wrestling with feeling lonely and needy.

David has been busier this week and hasn't been feeling the best.  He's the one who really listens to my heart.  While I see other people throughout my week, there is rarely opportunity to really share my heart, and you can't just do that with the cashier at the grocery store.  Sure she might listen, but does she really want to hear it?  I need adult conversation with depth with someone who cares.

But I think how I am feeling goes deeper than just missing out on conversation; I am being pretty self-consumed.  Ouch!  That's not fun to write.

I am trying to do lots of things to change my perspective.  I have had time alone, well, time by myself while the kids are in rest time.  I have journaled.  Took a short nap.  Read some of my favorite verses from the bible.  I have said my list of things I am thankful for (Bad Attitude).  In the moment things seem okay, but it just takes one little thing going wrong to reveal that my yucky attitude is still here.

For example, I burned the sandwich I was making.  I took the spatula and swatted the counter several times.  The kids started laughing about giving me a spanking because I spanked the counter.  Thankfully, I was able to not lash out at them for simply being kids, the counter took the brunt of my frustration.

I want to do something to get rid of how crappy I feel.  I don't want to feel like this.  I want to be able to just be in a good mood even when I am not feeling that way.  I want to be excited to be with my kids and not focused on the things that they are doing wrong.  I want to encourage David as he is pouring into others and doing his job.  And, I want to joyfully take care of him when he is sick.

Not much of what I want is happening right now.

I know that God is supposed to be the One who fills us up.  I'm just not feeling that at the moment.  I want someone physically present to talk with.  Someone to audibly hear with my ears, not just my mind.  Someone I can touch.  Someone I can see responding with interested facial expressions (because you know I would definitely be talking about something very intriguing).  I don't just want to sense God's presence.  I want more!

How demanding does that sound?

I know that God can show me something through all of this.  Maybe I will come through it understanding a little more of what it means to allow God to meet my needs and not depending on others, especially my husband, to do this.  I would love that.  I am just not enjoying the process I am going through at the moment.

You might even have your own ideas on what God needs to show me after all this complaining.  Go easy on me though, you don't want to end up like the counter.