As I get to journals from my twenties it becomes less comical and more gut wrenching. I had a pretty serious anger problem. I think that would have surprised a lot of people. I did a pretty good job of keeping it to myself with everyone except David. He got the real me and so did my journal.
There's part of me that wished others could have seen all of the anger brewing in my heart so that someone could have stepped in and offered their help. It's a nice thought, but I probably wouldn't have listened.
It took pretty significant God sized interventions spanning over a three year period to begin uncovering my anger. I was removed from friends and family on two different occasions. I completely missed out on having an easy baby with either of my children. Not only were they challenging babies, but they were something I couldn't just figure out and then fix. I often felt like a failure. And throughout all of this were marital problems that nearly destroyed my relationship with David.
As I read my journals during these years I was so angry and depressed, so focused on me. The more that was stripped away, the uglier it got. But as I look back now, I can see how this had to happen for God to begin repairing my heart. Until I could really see the ugliness of my sin and how it was impacting myself and others I didn't have a reason to really want change.
What I love is "feeling" the difference in my journals over the last several years. Peace and patience are more evident. While I had to make myself available to change, it is only God that could cause the transformation that has taken place. It is one reason I am thankful that I have kept my journals. It is a reminder of who I was, who I am, and who I long to be.
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