Sharing My Heart

I am wrestling with feeling lonely and needy.

David has been busier this week and hasn't been feeling the best.  He's the one who really listens to my heart.  While I see other people throughout my week, there is rarely opportunity to really share my heart, and you can't just do that with the cashier at the grocery store.  Sure she might listen, but does she really want to hear it?  I need adult conversation with depth with someone who cares.

But I think how I am feeling goes deeper than just missing out on conversation; I am being pretty self-consumed.  Ouch!  That's not fun to write.

I am trying to do lots of things to change my perspective.  I have had time alone, well, time by myself while the kids are in rest time.  I have journaled.  Took a short nap.  Read some of my favorite verses from the bible.  I have said my list of things I am thankful for (Bad Attitude).  In the moment things seem okay, but it just takes one little thing going wrong to reveal that my yucky attitude is still here.

For example, I burned the sandwich I was making.  I took the spatula and swatted the counter several times.  The kids started laughing about giving me a spanking because I spanked the counter.  Thankfully, I was able to not lash out at them for simply being kids, the counter took the brunt of my frustration.

I want to do something to get rid of how crappy I feel.  I don't want to feel like this.  I want to be able to just be in a good mood even when I am not feeling that way.  I want to be excited to be with my kids and not focused on the things that they are doing wrong.  I want to encourage David as he is pouring into others and doing his job.  And, I want to joyfully take care of him when he is sick.

Not much of what I want is happening right now.

I know that God is supposed to be the One who fills us up.  I'm just not feeling that at the moment.  I want someone physically present to talk with.  Someone to audibly hear with my ears, not just my mind.  Someone I can touch.  Someone I can see responding with interested facial expressions (because you know I would definitely be talking about something very intriguing).  I don't just want to sense God's presence.  I want more!

How demanding does that sound?

I know that God can show me something through all of this.  Maybe I will come through it understanding a little more of what it means to allow God to meet my needs and not depending on others, especially my husband, to do this.  I would love that.  I am just not enjoying the process I am going through at the moment.

You might even have your own ideas on what God needs to show me after all this complaining.  Go easy on me though, you don't want to end up like the counter.