Change

We have been experiencing a lot of change in the last month or so...

Emerson started kindergarten last week and loves it!

She has been so excited for school to start and to ride the bus.  She comes home every day excited about all she has done.  I know it wont be that way everyday, but I am so thankful that she sees school as an exciting adventure.

Benaiah started preschool and he loves it!

This is a shocker because all summer he kept saying "I am not going to preschool, Mommy!"  When we dropped him off at VBS at the preschool this summer he screamed every time I left him.  I was dreading preschool.  And then something happened... Orientation!  He loved it!  The first day of preschool he walked right in and barely said goodbye.  We were so proud of him!

Change number three... We have a new puppy!

Her name is Stella.  She is a super sweet dog with a wonderful personality.  She is officially potty trained!!!  Well, except for when she gets really excited or nervous.  Unfortunately she has taken up the art of digging in the backyard.  And she loves to do it right before we have to go somewhere!  I have to carry her up to the bathtub and rinse/wash her off frequently.  This is not going to be happening for much longer.  She is growing so fast and soon I wont be able to pick her up.  Hopefully digging wont last long.

And, last, but most definitely not least, we are in our new house!  We are mostly settled and feeling so blessed to call this our home.  Now comes the more challenging part, making it our home.  I am not the creative, exceptionally gifted designer by any means, so this part will take me time.  But I am feeling okay about that.  

Through all of this, God has really been stretching my need for consistency and routine.  All the changes have made things a little crazy to say the least.  At first I tried desperately to get back into our "normal" rhythm.  I was so frustrated as I tried to make our new life look and feel like it was before all the changes.  I kept thinking about how good our routine used to be and how we needed to recreate that same rhythm.

Don't we do this with so many things?  We experience something good and we want it to always be that way, to look that way and feel that way.  And the whole time we are frantically trying to make it look like it used to, we are missing out on the life going on around us.

Enjoy the life going on around you today and let go of the expectations of what it should look like.  What you see might just surprise you.  Speaking of surprises, Stella just ate almost an entire box of crayons so life is going to look very colorful in the backyard pretty soon!

Our Home... Finally!

I am so excited that the search for a home has finally come to an end.  I don't know if I went into the process a little naive, but I had no idea that buying a house could be so emotional.

We bought a house once before when we lived in Lynchburg, Virginia.  The whole thing started out as a joke when we saw the house next to one of our closest friends, the Aronsons, go up for sale.  Who wouldn't think it would be a dream to have amazing friends for your neighbor?  We spent so much time with each other that we said we should have just built an underground tunnel from one house to the other.  Those were some good times.

Anyway, when buying that house we dealt directly with the buyers who we kind of knew and after a little bit of negotiating the house was ours.  They even let us move in early and didn't charge us rent.  

Okay, so that's not the typical home buyer's story and I knew it wasn't going to be that easy, but really, four signed contracts in three months?  And the hurt and emotional stress was unbelievable.  

But then came the house, the one that felt right the moment we walked in the door. The house that David and I both agreed felt like a home, not just a house.  All the other houses had really good qualities about them (amazing kitchen, lots of house for a lot less money than it was worth, unfinished basement with tons of potential, etc.), but none of those other houses had the instant feel of home that this house did.  

The house is an older house and has so much character.  Plantation window shutters, stained glass window in the foyer, french doors in the dinning room, saloon doors between the kitchen and dinning room, an attic with a walk-in cedar closet (I can just imagine the kids having so much fun making this a secret club house).  And all of the house is immaculate and spacious.  It cries out to be filled by frequent guests, which we eagerly agree to.  

I love the family room that was added on...

And one of my favorite parts is the backyard and the beautiful tree who lives there...

We loved the tree that was in front of our current house, but storms did the tree in and it had to come down.  Seriously the kids and I were devastated.  Benaiah kept saying "Put the tree back mommy!"  So after being blown away by the inside of the house, when I saw this tree in the backyard it was a done deal.  Later that day Emerson said, "Mommy, if we don't get this house I am going to be so sad because I love that tree."  

The thing that I love the most about this story is that God's timing truly is perfect. We wanted to find a house as quickly as we could so that we could move out of the resident house and the middle school director and his wife could move in.  We started the search back in February.  If we hadn't gone through the process that we did with the other houses or hadn't been waiting on our most current short sale, we never would have found this house (which had been on the market two days when we put in our offer).  

You would think that I would know this by now.  Things don't always make sense. Sometimes you seem to be going in the wrong direction or what seems like the best thing doesn't happen.  But in the end, there are times when you can see the purpose behind it and in some way you have grown.  I thought I wanted a new house with a much more modern look, but God knew what my heart needed.  My plans are never as good as His.  This has been my life story and now it is my house story.

Looking forward to making this house our home and having lots of visitors!!

The Beauty Found in the Ugly

I was ugliness this past Sunday.  Not in my outward appearance, but in my heart.

Honestly, this came out of nowhere.  The morning had been so good, very relaxed. The kids were doing a great job playing together and I was doing a few tasks around the house.  Everyone was mostly ready to go to church and I let the kids play downstairs.

About 15 minutes before it was time for us to leave I called downstairs for the kids to start cleaning up.  When I came downstairs a few minutes later, I was amazed at the chaos that was created in such a short amount of time.  Should I really be amazed by this?  I have been a mom for several years, I should come to expect it. And, we do have a ball pit downstairs that begs to be destroyed.  Too bad I wasn't thinking clearly or I would have taken a picture.

I started talking loudly urging the kids to get the balls back in the ball pit.  There was little response and I could feel that I was ready to burst.  I should have left, but I didn't.  I let it all out.  I am thankful that no one was there to capture a picture of that.

Benaiah started sobbing.  His little heart is easily hurt by a harsh tone.  I yelled at him to stop crying.  He covered his mouth.  I left, telling them that they needed to keep working while I finished getting ready for church.

Great mom, right?  Probably want to sign me up for parenting classes right now, but it gets worse.

As I was getting dressed I hear Benaiah cry out, "Mommy, I went pee pee in my pants!"

Seriously!?!

Once again, I went downstairs and lost it.  I ended by blaming them for ruining such a nice morning.  I knew I needed to stop and thankfully I eventually shut my mouth, got Benaiah new pants and silently helped the kids clean up the basement.

As I write this it makes me cringe from the ugliness of it all.  I keep changing things, trying to make it not sound as bad, but that just feels wrong because that isn't the truth, it was bad.  And I need to be real about the ugliness for the beauty to really be seen.

It didn't take long before I felt so much shame for my outburst.  The look on my son's face and the impact that my poor choice of words left on my children raced around in my mind.

As we walked to church and I carried my son and held my daughter's little hand, we started talking about things that made God happy.

"Do you think God was happy with how mommy treated you guys downstairs?"

Both of the kids shook their heads.

"That's right.  God was not happy with how mommy yelled at you.  I was wrong."  And then I looked them each in the eyes and asked them to forgive me for yelling at them.

"I forgive you mommy," Emerson said with a smile.

If my children don't already know it, they will eventually know that I am a mess. But it needs to go beyond that.  They need to see that I am willing to admit that I am a mess.  That I needed to be forgiven for how I responded that morning and that I will definitely need to be forgiven again in the future.  And, I hope my transparency helps my children to feel free to not cover up how they will mess up, especially as the mess ups get bigger as they get bigger.  I want us to really know, love, and accept each other as we grow together.  There is so much freedom in being known and loved for who you really are, messiness included.

Beauty can be found in the ugly.

Mr. Bob

Benaiah and I are shopping buddies on Wednesday.  While Emerson is in preschool we try to hit up three grocery stores before returning to pick Emerson up. Finding the best deal is always a fun thing for me and spending quality time with my son makes it even better.

My son loves to talk and make funny faces at people while we shop.   He is loved by many a fellow grocery shopper.  He has made a number of friends as we are out and about, but our favorite has come to be Mr. Bob.  Mr. Bob goes to Aldi every Wednesday morning at the same time we are there, so we have been able to connect regularly.  We were surprised two weeks ago when we didn't see him.

This past Wednesday as we were finding our deals we heard, "Is that my little guy?"  We looked up to see Mr. Bob.  

I said, "Who is that?" to Benaiah and he whispered, "Mr. Bob!"  You should have seen the look on Mr. Bob's face.  

"You remembered my name!" Mr. Bob said and we started talking about how he missed us last week because he had to see the doctor.  

I said that Benaiah and I would be praying for him.  Again another big smile and we continued to talk for quite some time.  I was so encouraged by the conversation that I didn't mind having to rush through our other stores to make it back to Emerson on time.

I really want my life to look like this on a regular basis.  For my children to grow up being eager to care for others even if it something as simple as remembering someone's name and praying for them.  I can definitely give up finding the best bargains for that.

Watch Out, God Will Untie Your Shoes

Life has been crazy!  Life is always full, but the last couple of weeks have been a blur.  Birthday parties, grading, family visits, finding the perfect new home, grading....  

We are in the thick of a house hunt and in three weeks have had three contracts on houses.  How is that possible you ask?  I am asking the same thing!  The first house we fell in love with was an older home that had been beautifully restored.  However a home inspection revealed 31 pages of problems, several of them very significant.  Our second house was a short sale and after signing paperwork back and forth with the seller we thought we had found our house.  No such luck and another offer (lower than ours) was accepted.  The house hunt world is a crazy, mind boggling world that makes little sense to me.  I just sign whatever David puts in front of me.  

Now we are on our third house, which is another short sale.  You can't beat a short sale if it works out, more house, less money.  The seller has signed all paperwork and we are now waiting to see if the bank accepts.  

I thought I had been handling all of the stress well until I made an eBay purchase the other day.  You may not like me after this, but I will share anyway.  I am one of those people who likes to wait until the very last second to place a bid in an attempt to get the item for a low price.  However, for those who have been waiting days bidding to win the item of their dreams, I am to them, a thief who cheated them out of what should have rightfully been theirs.  Okay, that is somewhat dramatic, and I am still playing by the rules, but I am sure I have made some other "eBayers" (is that a word) less than happy.

Anyway, after I placed my bid and sat looking at the screen that said I had won, I realized that I was shaking.  Seriously, I was shaking.  I had gotten so worked up waiting for those minutes and seconds to slowly tic down that my body was in some kind of shock.  That is a sad story.

I knew that it wasn't just making an eBay purchase that had lead to the shaking, but that I was just plain stressed out.  After that I tried to slow down some, only to find myself back in the crazy blur of busyness this week.  

I love to walk in the mornings.  Not a meandering kind of walk and nowhere near a run, but a good fast paced walk to get my blood really flowing.  It's still kind of cold outside so I have my hat and mittens on along with my small hand weights to help me have arms like my sister-in-law.

Wouldn't you know that my shoe comes untied.  It takes a lot of effort to tie your shoe when you have mittens and hand weights, but I got it done, only to have my other shoe come untied a little while later!  Seriously, am I that bad at tying shoes?  Good thing my kids will always wear velcro.  

And that is when I sensed God saying, "If you don't slow down, I will find ways to make you slow down." I couldn't help but smile thinking about God untying my shoes while I was walking.  At least He didn't tie them together.

All day this has been running through my mind.  When I am stuck behind someone driving slow or a long line at the grocery store or waiting for a child to finish going to the bathroom, God provides opportunities to slow us down.  Not to tick us off, but to help us stop and really see the life going on around us.  And to keep us healthy.  I don't know how many more eBay purchases my body can withstand without having a heart attack if I keep up this pace.  

So, slow down.  

Stop.  

Breath.  

You just might avoid having your shoes untied.  

Doing Life Together

I like making lists and completing tasks.  I feel a sense of accomplishment when I cross something off of my list.  Matter of fact, sometimes if I do something and it wasn't on my list I might add it so that I can cross it off.  Okay, I don't do that too often.

Life can seem like a bunch of tasks that need to get done so that I can move on to the next task.  This can even include my kids.  First there are the everyday tasks.  Get the kids fed at specific times, drop them off where they need to go, start rest time no later than 1:30, give them a bath, read them stories, get them to bed by 8...  And then there are the bigger tasks.  Get Benaiah to use the potty the entire day without any accidents, help Emerson to work on her attitude, figure out how to stop Benaiah from sucking on his fingers, find a way to help Emerson overcome her fear of spiders so that she can go downstairs by herself...

Sometimes my kids ask to help with my tasks.  My first reaction is that I don't want to spend more time redoing what they "help" me with.  And then I think about how I should be training them to be independent and therefore, I should let them help me so that they can start learning how to do more things on their own. 

Take doing the dishes for instance.

We live in the resident house that is owned by the church.  I really like this house, but there is no dishwasher.  Funny little insert here, right before we moved into the resident house we were staying with friends who put everything in the dishwasher.  I vowed that when we got to our new place I would be putting everything in the dishwasher.  God has a sense of humor.

So all dishes are washed by hand.  I have found that I don't really mind doing this, especially since David does most of the cooking.  The kids like to help me rinse the dishes... aka play in the water.  I try to let them to help me as often as possible.  

The other day Benaiah, who was now shirtless because he was completely soaked, dumped a cup of water outside of the sink.  I began to correct him for what had to have been the eleventy billionth time.  He looked up at me and smiled.  I then thought about how this was much bigger than getting the task completed or helping Benaiah learn how to correctly rinse dishes so he would make a good husband.  We were spending time together.

I want very much to really focus on what is important in each moment.  Yes, tasks are important and they must be done, but do they always have to be done quickly or perfectly?  My children will never think back fondly about the times they correctly rinsed the dishes, but they might remember how mommy laughed instead of corrected them when they scooped “soap ice-cream” out of the sink and onto the front of mommy's shirt.  

This time is going by too quickly for me to care more about my tasks than doing life together with my kids.  How about you?  Are there places where you are missing out on really doing life with others?  Don't just think about how you would like that to change, do something about it today.

Alas, I am a Sheep

I was upset at David the other day.  Honestly, right now I can't even remember what it was about.  Tells you how important it was.

My son woke up at 4 am the next day.  Yes, that said 4.  He had a booger in his nose. Thankfully he went back to sleep.  I on the other hand couldn't.  My mind was up and running.  Part of it thinking about all of the papers I had to grade and planning Emerson's birthday party.  Another part thinking about feeling frustrated with David.  

All of a sudden I started thinking about the 23rd Psalm.  Had to look that up.  I know that the Jesus's prayer in the New Testament has the identifier "The Lord's Prayer" and I thought this prayer had one too. Guess it's just the 23rd Psalm; what a scholar I am!  This rambling actually does have connection to my next thought.  I only remember bits and pieces of the 23rd Psalm.  So in my mind it went....

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want... his rod and his staff they comfort me.   Missing a little bit there, right?  : )

I couldn't stop thinking about the rod and staff and that they comfort.  Upon initial thought, these things seemed more like weapons or something for the shepherd to lean on in the pictures we see of shepherds and not something of comfort.  But that's what it says.  They provide comfort.  They aren't defined as anything else.  

Sheep aren't known for being intelligent creatures.  I googled sheep and also found out that they have an excellent sense of hearing and need help when they role on their back because they can't get up.  More of something I want to laugh at and not something I want to be compared to.  

But when I look at the meaning behind it all, I am a little less offended.  I am definitely limited in my understanding when I am compared to God and I often need a lot of help because I get myself into a position where I can't get "up" by myself.  Alas, I am a sheep.

But sheep have an excellent sense of hearing.  This is important.  I think that God wants us to know that we can hear him.  The problem comes in on our part.  Hearing and listening are two different things.  

So God wants me to focus on (listen to him about) his rod and his staff and how they comfort.  The one thing that I do know about a staff is that a shepherd can use it to gently prod the sheep to go where they need to go and move them from danger.  As I thought more about this I felt like God wanted to move me away from dwelling on my frustration with David.  It really can cause danger to my relationship with David and honestly does me no good to keep moving in that direction.  

There are often times in my life where I sense God gently "prodding" me to go in a different direction.  Some of those moments are even documented here on my blog (e.g. Road Rage).  I want to be better at responding, at listening to him, because the moments when I do are the moments when I have more peace, I respond better to others and I am a better overall person to be around.  

Now, I really want to see a sheep fall over and try to get up...    

Road Rage

Today I was almost run off the road.  No drama present as I write that.

I was driving on a two lane road to pick up Emerson from preschool and, at a light, pulled into the right lane.  The right lane then merges with the left just after you get through the light.  I was driving a normal speed waiting to see where I could fit in.  There was a clear gap between the two vehicles I was driving beside and so I sped up a little to fit in and was merging in when the truck behind me seemed to be closing the gap.  I sped up a little to continue merging and it then became evident that the truck behind me was not going to let me in.  As the two lanes turned to one I was sure that this truck would back off since they were still behind me.  But this truck had a point to prove and I had to swerve off to the side of the rode so that he didn't plow into me.

I was angry!  Why would someone do that?  What makes that person think that it is okay to treat another person like that?  And is it worth it to prove yourself and end up causing an accident?  Having my son in the backseat only fueled my fire.   I wasn't trying to get ahead of anyone or show off the amazing power of my family car.  I was just driving.  

I thought about all the things I would like to say to this man, if I should even call him that.  I also thought about how wonderful it would feel to call the police and have him arrested (like that would really happen, but the thought made me feel good).  I even wrote down his license plate number when I ended up behind him at another red light.

But where did all of this leave me?  Am I a better person because I didn't run him off the road?  How different am I as I plot out my revenge on this other driver?  Not much different at all really.

He wanted to prove himself for whatever reason and now I want to prove myself.  That just turns into a vicious cycle.

So how do I release myself from this cycle?  I could just forget about it and each time I think about it I will be a little less mad than the last time.  But am I really ending the cycle?  When this happens again (we all know that road rage isn't going away) will I once again find myself plotting my revenge?

And what about things that are bigger than being a recipient of some unknown person's road rage?  How do you stop that cycle of anger?

How do you truly forgive?

I felt God ask me to pray for this man.  I was a little resistant at first, but then I did it.  I didn't feel like praying for him, but I acted on what I felt God was calling me to do.

Maybe that is part of what forgiveness looks like.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if when you messed up someone didn't just come at you trying to prove how you had messed up?  But what if they prayed for you and your heart and whatever you were going through that might have led to you messing up?

That sounds like a pretty good world to me.

Kids

I love the things that kids say and do.  Here are some of my recent favorite moments with the kids...



David is allergic to poultry and seafood.  Emerson was asking whether or not each person in our family has any other allergies.  She then said, "Daddy I am very thankful that I am not allergic to my favorite food."  David asked her what that was.  "Cake!"

When Benaiah really likes how something tastes he says, "This is nummy forever!"



What's a red light mean, Benaiah?  "Stop!"  How about green?  "Go!"  And yellow...  "Drive faster!"  Seriously, who teaches them that?  Hmm, the power of observation?



Playing dress up in the store...

Emerson and I were talking about David's birthday.  She wanted to know things that he liked to help figure out a birthday present.  I said that Daddy likes them (Emerson and Benaiah).  To which Emerson said, "We can't get more kids, mommy." 

David wasn't feeling good the other night so I asked the kids if we should pray for him.  We started to hold hands and Benaiah said no.  I asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted to hold Daddy.  So we all hugged David while we prayed for him.  Very sweet moment.

So we all know how gigantic and enormous became ginormous.  Well my son has decided that things are "binormous!" Big + enormous.

Found my children licking the window for undisclosed reasons...

There is no way around it, I just have to love them!

Being Chosen

David has dreamed about planting a church.  Not that he is unhappy with where he is now, he just has a strong desire to plant a church someday.  He's been thinking about it for over nine years.

I have not dreamed about planting a church.  I think that it is scary.  It's unpredictable.  It's hard work.  It's lonely.  While I have listened to my husband's heart, I have always been guarded about our conversations.  It was hard for me to really dream with him because I just wasn't there.

The day after my emotional breakdown (Sharing My Heart) David and I were sitting on the couch, enjoying a quiet moment after the kids were in bed.  He said he had something important to tell me.  

In the midst of all of my emotional neediness, David was hit with the realization that I was not made to be a church planting wife.  At first he felt some frustration but then God did something amazing.  David started thinking about my heart.  The more he thought about it, the more he realized that if he never planted a church it wouldn't be the end of the world, but if planting a church would cost me too much and ultimately us too much, that would be a great loss.  

He told me that he was willingly giving up his dream of planting a church.  Not begrudgingly, not out of frustration, but willingly.  He was even feeling excited about what this meant for our future here.

I was shocked to say the least, that's nine years of dreaming being set aside.  I wrestled some with feeling guilty for not having the same dream and being the reason that his dream was being set aside.

David then told me that he wanted to choose me over planting a church.  Not that he should choose me over planting a church, but he wanted to choose me.

I can't even begin to tell you what this meant to me.  I was overwhelmed by how loved I felt.

What might have happened if I had been able to rid myself of my "neediness" the other day?  Would David have had the revelation that he wanted to fight for me over fighting with me to plant a church?  Probably not.  God's timing is good.  Who would have thought that out of those feelings of loneliness I would end up feeling more loved than I have at maybe any other point in my life. 

Time to stop looking at rental properties and buy a house in this community that we are going to really call home!

Escaping Struggles

The other day I was wrestling with negative emotions and wanting to escape them (Sharing My Heart).  I wanted to do whatever I could to feel normal or better yet, happy.  I tried doing a lot of the things that typically work for me, but was left feeling stuck.

As I finished my last blog and then began a conversation with a friend, God brought the verse below to my mind.

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.  You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors.  So don't try to get out of anything prematurely.  Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.  James 1:2-4  The Message

I had never thought that my attempts to alleviate my feelings could be trying to get out of something prematurely.  I simply believed that my feelings were wrong and I needed to fix them.  The thoughts that I was wrestling with were making me feel bad and I should try to avoid that at all cost, right?

I think, in general, it's good to not dwell on things that affect our attitude and to try to change our focus.  I have been trying to memorize God's words to help fill my mind with positive and encouraging thoughts.  

But even that didn't change how I was feeling.

I believe very much now, after all that has happened on that day and the days that followed that God had a strong purpose in not alleviating my bad feelings.  I needed to stop trying to do something to escape the feelings, I just needed to let them be and let this situation "do its work" in me and as you will see in my upcoming post, in others.

While the thoughts and feelings were still there, I had a lot of peace after this.  I didn't feel bad that I couldn't change my feelings.  

And what happened next was something that I would have never predicted, not even thought to ask for.   That's just like God to work that way, isn't it?

I don't want to share what happened next quite yet, because I think it's important to take time to think about how this might fit in your life.  Are there struggles you are trying to escape that just won't go away?  It might be time to stop trying to get out of the situation prematurely.  You have no idea what God may want to do through it.  

Sharing My Heart

I am wrestling with feeling lonely and needy.

David has been busier this week and hasn't been feeling the best.  He's the one who really listens to my heart.  While I see other people throughout my week, there is rarely opportunity to really share my heart, and you can't just do that with the cashier at the grocery store.  Sure she might listen, but does she really want to hear it?  I need adult conversation with depth with someone who cares.

But I think how I am feeling goes deeper than just missing out on conversation; I am being pretty self-consumed.  Ouch!  That's not fun to write.

I am trying to do lots of things to change my perspective.  I have had time alone, well, time by myself while the kids are in rest time.  I have journaled.  Took a short nap.  Read some of my favorite verses from the bible.  I have said my list of things I am thankful for (Bad Attitude).  In the moment things seem okay, but it just takes one little thing going wrong to reveal that my yucky attitude is still here.

For example, I burned the sandwich I was making.  I took the spatula and swatted the counter several times.  The kids started laughing about giving me a spanking because I spanked the counter.  Thankfully, I was able to not lash out at them for simply being kids, the counter took the brunt of my frustration.

I want to do something to get rid of how crappy I feel.  I don't want to feel like this.  I want to be able to just be in a good mood even when I am not feeling that way.  I want to be excited to be with my kids and not focused on the things that they are doing wrong.  I want to encourage David as he is pouring into others and doing his job.  And, I want to joyfully take care of him when he is sick.

Not much of what I want is happening right now.

I know that God is supposed to be the One who fills us up.  I'm just not feeling that at the moment.  I want someone physically present to talk with.  Someone to audibly hear with my ears, not just my mind.  Someone I can touch.  Someone I can see responding with interested facial expressions (because you know I would definitely be talking about something very intriguing).  I don't just want to sense God's presence.  I want more!

How demanding does that sound?

I know that God can show me something through all of this.  Maybe I will come through it understanding a little more of what it means to allow God to meet my needs and not depending on others, especially my husband, to do this.  I would love that.  I am just not enjoying the process I am going through at the moment.

You might even have your own ideas on what God needs to show me after all this complaining.  Go easy on me though, you don't want to end up like the counter.

Struggles Are Opportunities

Benaiah is wrestling with a number of pretty intense fears.

For example, the other day I told Benaiah that he shouldn't play with the buttons on the clock because he could set off the alarm and it would go "Beep! Beep!"  Now I didn't just say it, but I also didn't yell it.  The boy clung to me sobbing, panic in his eyes, telling me to take the clock out of his room.  We sat by the clock and touched the buttons so he could know what they sounded like.  The entire time he was trying to escape from me and the clock.  I left the clock in his room.  For several days he talked about the clock leaving his room but agreed to keep it because the clock tells him when he can get out of bed in the morning.  

Things like this happen on a regular basis.

At first I was a little disappointed that Benaiah has so many fears.  Since the beginning of his life, I have been asking God to make him bold, passionate, and courageous, a risk taker for Him.  Now this seems like a good request.  I want Benaiah to have those characteristics so that he can best serve God.  Why shouldn't my request be answered?  

And then some of my parent pride kicks in and I can feel a little embarrassed when others see how fearful he is.  When I respond out of these feelings, I simply want him to be brave to make me look good.  Way to make it about myself!  

Did anyone ever tell you not to pray for patience?  The reason being if you pray for it you are going to be tested so that you can grow in your ability to be patient.  It is true that to grow we have to work through something.  You don't just grow by being a bump on a log.

I am reconsidering whether God is answering my prayer for Benaiah.  I am beginning to believe that God has allowed Benaiah to struggle with fear to help him grow stronger in his ability to face fear.  If my son has a lot of fears now and we work through them, it makes sense that he will be better prepared to rise above fear in the future.

This is helping me to see that the things our kids struggle with are not meant to pull them down, but to build them up.  It is our job as parents to see the struggles as opportunities and then battle those struggles openly and honestly alongside them.

Got to go, looks like an opportunity is presenting itself...   

     

Bad Attitude

When Emerson has a bad attitude we ask her to tell us four things she is thankful for.  When I first started this I said tell me three things, but she insisted on four because she is four.  As she tells us her list, she also has to say why she is thankful for each thing.

Today, I have had a bad attitude.

For the last week, Benaiah has finally accepted that he can get out of his big boy bed all by himself.  This is good because he used to stay there and cry until I came and got him.  The problem is that as soon as he wakes up, he is out of bed.  Even if it is 4:50 in the morning.  

I love getting up before the rest of the family is awake and having some quite time all to myself.  I think I am better prepared for the day because of it.  Some pilates, some time reading, time to journal... I need that time.

Today I had reached my limit.  I felt that everyone was taking and that I had nothing to give.  When that happens, it is so much easier for me to get angry and feel really negative.  

So its only fair that I require of myself what I require of my daughter and say things I am thankful for.  I unfortunately am in the double digits so I need to say a total of 36.  Maybe God knows that it takes more for my bad attitude to change.  

So here it goes.

I am thankful for....

1. A relationship with God that is not condemning but filled with love and grace (I sure needed that today).
2. My husband who helps me work through my junk (like today).
3. Sliding in the snow with Emerson.  I do not like being out in the cold but David wasn't feeling well and I didn't want the kids to miss out on the snow.  So, begrudgingly I went out.  But there is something infectious about a child's excitement and by the end I had a lot of fun.
4. Snow... being able to look at it while warm inside my home.  My favorite kind of snow is gone in a few days.  : )  
5. Some quiet time while the kids are both resting and David is at the church, like right now.
6. Friends coming over for dinner and games tonight.  Love quality time with others.
7. Teaching online through Liberty University.  I am so thankful that I am able to be home with the kids and have a flexible schedule.
8. My toes.  I like having long toes.  When I was younger one of my friend's dad told me to put my feet away because they scared him.  : )  But, I like my toes.
9. Living Word Community Church.  I can't imagine a better place for David to be working or better people to be serving with at this point in our lives.
10. My small group.  So thankful for the friendships that have come through our time with this group of people.
11. Ashleigh and Shaula being home for Christmas.  I really love that they are part of our family.
12. Flat irons!  It's just fun to make frizzy hair straight.
13. Making pizza together as a family.  We had so much fun last night and it was way healthier than picking one up from Pizza Hut, although I do love their breadsticks.  
14. Reading Magic Treehouse books with Emerson.  I think I like the stories just as much as she does.
15. A son who loves to cuddle and randomly tell me "I love you so much mommy!"  No explanation needed.
16. Facebook.  I really like that I can stalk friends and family who live far away.
17. Popcorn made on the stove with olive oil.  Yum!
18. All of the challenges that David and I have gone through and that God has used them to make our marriage stronger.  Completely undeserved.
19. Random text messages from others.  It makes me feel loved.
20. Wrestling with the kids.  Benaiah is a riot with his karate chops!
21. Going to the beach with family.  Looking at rentals in OBX as I write.
22. David cooking!  I don't enjoy it and I'm not very good at it.
23. Laughing until it hurts!  
24. Chocolate.
25. Conversations with depth.  I love hearing others' hearts and sharing my own.
26. Walking.  I really like to go for a fast walk early in the morning.  Good conversation with God and it's my favorite way to exercise. 
27. The way a two-year-old talks.  Learning the English language is a fun adventure! 
28. Sleep.
29. Church on Sunday.  Love the worship and hearing David speak.
30. Emerson and Benaiah's friendship.  They play together so well.  
31. Lotion.  My hands are a mess this time of year.
32. Photographs.  Memories preserved.
33. Hearing my children sing just about anything, especially the made up songs.
34. Real love displayed by others.  It motivates me to do the same.
35. Laying in bed talking with David until we fall asleep.
36. Being 36 and not 78.  Although I might think twice about having a bad attitude if I had to list that many things that I was thankful for. 

My Journals

I like to look back over my journals.  I have been journaling since I was about nine.  The early journals are "awesome"...  filled with all the crushes, drama, and finding myself that often fills the adolescent years.  Most of it is very comical and at times embarrassing to read.

As I get to journals from my twenties it becomes less comical and more gut wrenching.  I had a pretty serious anger problem.  I think that would have surprised a lot of people.  I did a pretty good job of keeping it to myself with everyone except David.  He got the real me and so did my journal.

There's part of me that wished others could have seen all of the anger brewing in my heart so that someone could have stepped in and offered their help.  It's a nice thought, but I probably wouldn't have listened.

It took pretty significant God sized interventions spanning over a three year period to begin uncovering my anger.  I was removed from friends and family on two different occasions.  I completely missed out on having an easy baby with either of my children.  Not only were they challenging babies, but they were something I couldn't just figure out and then fix.  I often felt like a failure.  And throughout all of this were marital problems that nearly destroyed my relationship with David.

As I read my journals during these years I was so angry and depressed, so focused on me.  The more that was stripped away, the uglier it got.  But as I look back now, I can see how this had to happen for God to begin repairing my heart.  Until I could really see the ugliness of my sin and how it was impacting myself and others I didn't have a reason to really want change.

What I love is "feeling" the difference in my journals over the last several years.  Peace and patience are more evident.  While I had to make myself available to change, it is only God that could cause the transformation that has taken place.  It is one reason I am thankful that I have kept my journals.  It is a reminder of who I was, who I am, and who I long to be.

Big Things

I was driving behind my sister-in-law last night as we were taking the kids to AWANA.  Emerson started asking me questions about getting lost or Aunt Kiley not realizing we weren't right behind her.  I started talking about how this was very unlikely to happen and what we would do if it did happen.  You know, all of the typical things we say to help our kids feel less afraid.

But then I felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit to take it a little deeper.  What if we did get lost?  Would there be a reason to panic?  If I believe that God is in control and knows what is best for me, then getting lost is okay.  In fact it might be more than okay.  

So we started talking about this and how God is always in control and will always move us where He wants us, including getting lost.  It's all about our perspective.

There are times when I don't think God is doing much in my life because I haven't accomplished something that I would consider substantial.  But after this conversation with my daughter I started to realize just how substantial these small conversations are.  It's the small things that show what we really believe, not just the big things.  In fact, the small things might just be more important because they determine how available we will be for the big things.  

I hope that I become more and more sensitive to the Holy Spirit in my everyday moments.  I think that the more that I acknowledge God leading me, the more available I will become to be used by Him.  I may not do many "big" things for God, but I hope that my daughter and son are able to see a realness in my relationship with God and that through that they would desire to pursue Him as well.  This is the best "big" thing that I can imagine. 

Our Get Away!

David and I went away for a night without the kids!  This is huge because the last time we went away together was when our daughter was not even one and a half.  She is almost five!

I can think of a lot of reasons why we haven't done this earlier and some of those reasons were legitimate... moving, beginning baby stages, moving again and not living near family.  And then some other reasons that were much less legitimate.  The kids will fall apart without me, we can't afford to do it, the kids will fall apart without me, I don't want my kids to be a burden on someone else, and the kids will fall apart without me.  Just a little egocentric!

I knew I would enjoy the time, but I didn't realize just how much we needed this until I got to spend 30 hours uninterrupted with my husband.  When we were talking we were able to finish most of our thoughts.  Our conversations didn't consist mostly of tasks that needed to be accomplished.  There was no one to clean up after, except for ourselves, and we only did that when we had to!

This time away makes me want to do an even better job of pursuing my husband on a daily basis.  We are so much better for each other and for our kids because of it.  And, apparently when we spend good quality time together we end up matching.  We might need to work on that one...

Rediscovery

I think that it is amazing that God allows us to better understand ourselves through our children.  There are a lot of things that I have learned about myself since I became a mom, the biggest was how much I needed to die to my desires if I was going to be remotely good at the job.  That is something I continue to work on daily and possibly a topic for another blog some other day.

The thing I learned today was a fun discovery and it came through my son, Benaiah.  For anyone who has met Benaiah, you know that he loves to be silly.  His greatest desire when he wakes up in the morning (besides watching Mater's Tall Tales) is to make people laugh.  And, he is good at it.  He makes the best faces and says some really funny things.  In fact, he's been pretty funny almost since birth.  The following picture is a great example.

Now I am not sure which came first, his desire to make people laugh or the fact that he just made funny faces, saw the reaction that it got and liked the attention.  However it has happened, God made Benaiah to be this way.

As I was thinking about this and working on some things, I realized that I too enjoy making people smile.  Now this might not seem like the biggest discovery, but the revelation goes a little deeper.

David and I were having a conversation the other night about being a mom and how it changes you.  I know that a lot about me shifted from the moment I held my daughter, Emerson, in my arms.  Many of the immediate changes were not so good.  I became somewhat neurotic.  I felt inadequate and became more controlling because of it.  While I most certainly displayed some of these characteristics before motherhood, having a child greatly accentuated them.

It took me several years to even acknowledge how much of my self had been lost.  As I said above, as a parent we must die to many of our desires, but I think as moms we go through a process of being lost and then gradually rediscovering who we are in light of also being a mom.   Maybe that isn't true of most moms, but it is definitely true of me.

I am coming to realize what a beautiful process God has allowed this to be...dying to my selfishness while reviving who my Creator made me to be.

So, as I am rediscovering myself I am embracing my desire to make others smile.  I promise not to try to do this through awkward faces and inappropriate noises.  There's only so much I should learn from my son.

A Start

I am not a blogger.

I have not ever had the desire to blog.  I love to journal, but you can't really blog the way that you journal, well at least not the way that I journal.  I think that would be too transparent; I have too much junk.

So, why start a blog?

This is a very good question and one I have been asking God a lot over the several days.  Really?  A blog? I am not a writer.  Sure, I wrote lots of papers in college.  Yes, I grade a plethora of papers as a professor, even claiming to help them become better writers.  But, I am not a writer.  (If you are a writer  you probably have already found some good errors in the few sentences that I have written.  Thankfully I have spell check, so the spelling should pass the test for the most part.)

Still the idea of starting a blog continues to linger.

So I have been trying to think of something witty that I should write about or something profound.  What can I help people with?  Where can I be an encouragement?  What is something special or different about me?  I am a pretty ordinary person, I think.  I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend, a teacher and I am in love with my Creator.  

I do value living a real and transparent life in front of others. Maybe this is something that I can offer.  Maybe this should just be like my journal.  If I am too transparent, you can just stop reading, right?  : )

I am not a blogger.  But, maybe I will become one...